I do not normally post overly personal things on facebook.  If what I am posting is not something I would tell everyone at the local mall, or shout on a street corner, why would I post it on facebook?  Half the people we have as "friends" on facebook are people that we barely know.  If I need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rant to, or if I need someone to just tell me it's all going to work out in the end, I pick up the phone and actually talk to someone.  

With that said, I'm going to post this little piece of personal to facebook, because I think maybe it will help someone.  

I lost my Dad less than 2 weeks before Christmas.  Outside of a few weeks at a grief group, and one Christmas Eve service, I have avoided social situations with a lot of people.  It's not my favorite thing on a good day, but in the last 4 months just the thought of it cranks my anxiety up to unbearable levels.  I intentionally missed two softball meetings, which isn't the greatest thing when you are the head commissioner.  I have been out a few times with my husband and my mother, but for the most part, I avoid even doing that.

In Grief Share they taught us to "do the next thing".   Well, for me, on most days, the next thing was simply putting my feet on the floor and getting up.  In the great words of Meredith Grey, most days I wanted to lay on the couch and feel like I might die today.

I suffer from anxiety.  Not generalized anxiety, not just a nagging feeling, but full blown panic attack, anxiety.  I can't eat, I can't sit still, I pace the floor for hours, I can't concentrate on anything.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  And when it happens, I am totally useless.  

It happened a month ago and lasted for two full weeks.  It was so bad that I finally went and saw the doctor. (Something everyone who knows me will tell you I don't do.) The doctor did find a magic pill that makes me a human being again, but I don't want to take a magic pill every day for the rest of my life.  I don't like the fact that I can't go anywhere for more than a few hours without making sure my magic pill bottle is with me.  And the worst part is, I have no idea why it happens.  I can't always point to a reason.  It's frustrating, it's depressing, it's unbearable.

Once, again, I'm not looking for sympathy, or a pat on the head, or someone to tell me how strong I am (spoiler alert: I'm not).

I took stock of my life. What is important to me?  What do I need to have in my life that I can't live without?  And who needs me?   What things do I need to focus on?  What problems can I reasonably fix?  What is worth getting upset over, and what should I just let go to the best of my ability?

I have mentioned to several people in the last few weeks, that I have things that I just refuse to let get to me.  It's a choice.  It's a choice between letting things eat away at me and making me that inhuman pacing robot, and being okay.

Yesterday, I determined I was going to be in a good mood.  I was up early.  I ran errands, I straightened my hair, I did the dishes, I played with my new vacuum cleaner, I had a wonderful hour long conversation with my husband, I worked on softball.  And the whole time, I was good.  Because I chose to be good.  

This doesn't mean I don't have to take my magic little pill ever again.  I had a softball meeting I could not intentionally avoid last night.  Thank God that He created people who had the brains to create the magic pill.  I needed it last night.  I don't know when, or if, the day will come that I no longer ever need it, but I don't need it every day.  

I am not saying it's the same for everyone.  As a person who suffers from debilitating anxiety, I would never tell someone else that they can choose not to need the pill.  It's not really that I chose not to need it, but that I chose to start eliminating unneeded stress from my life.  So, my son left the cereal box on the kitchen table again.  (He did.  I'm staring at it right now.)  So there's a sink full of dishes that aren't mine. (There is.. and they aren't.)  There are people in my life that I am worried about, their life choices, their futures.  I can give advice to the best of my ability, but at the end of the day, God is far more equipped to deal with that than I am.  I am one person, and I am positive that God doesn't want me laying on the couch feeling like I might die today.  And I know my Dad wouldn't want that.

Today I woke up, and I miss my Dad.  But I am going to choose to be in a good mood.  It's a whole lot easier being happy than miserable.  And there are little things that remind me of that.  Seeing Jay before he goes off to work.  The cat following me around the house for attention.  Getting to spend time with my precious granddaughter.  Gearing up for another softball season with people who I know are praying for me and supporting me.  Instead of stress factors, I'm choosing to focus on those things.  

I hope by sharing this, people understand that they aren't alone in these kinds of battles.  The people we find least likely to be suffering are the ones more than likely suffering.  If that's you, and you haven't found a way to choose the good yet, well, I'm praying for you.  It's the only thing I know how to do.  I don't have it all figured out.  I still get anxiety, and I am not judging you.  I'm right there with you.  And if this helped you at all, then thank God.  He is the only reason I can even type any of this out.  

***If you suffer from depression or anxiety, please go see a doctor.  It took me two years, and I wish I could get that time back.   Knowing that if it gets to the unbearable point I do have something I can take makes it far easier to choose the good.